Kenshin's Sorrow
by Alysandrya
Summary: Kenshin's resigned himself to never having Kaoru by his side... But Maybe there's more to this than he originally thought...
1. Kenshin's Sorrow

Carefully hid eyes watched Kaoru as she crossed the courtyard just inside the dojo gates. "Kenshin?" With a sigh of resignation only he could hear, he lifted his face to see hers, pasting the brilliant, wide, and incredibly fake smile on his face as he did so.   
  
If Kaoru had thought to look closer, she would have seen the unfathomable depths of sadness in his eyes. He could hide it on his face, but, as with the change between rurouni and hitokiri, his eyes would always tell the truth. "Hai, Kaoru?"   
  
"We're going to have a dinner guest tonight, Kenshin. Takashi Masaru will be joining us." Kenshin nodded, his eyes going slightly darker, almost unnoticeably. "I have to bathe and dress before he arrives. Could you look after Yahiko, make sure he looks... decent?" Kenshin nodded again. He wasn't liking this turn of events.   
  
He should have told her. Baka. Sesha wa Baka. There were hundreds of times that he could have told her his feelings for her, but he never had. Coward. The underlying thought darkened him even more, causing him to scowl slightly. "Kenshin?" Kaoru's voice broke him from his reverie.   
  
"Do not worry, Kaoru-dono. Sesha will take care of everything." He brightened his smile for her and inclined his head slightly.   
  
"Domo arigato, Kenshin." She started past him, then turned and kissed him on the cheek. "I appreciate it." Without realizing her affect on him, she continued on to the bath house, intent on her path.  
A knock on the gates cause Kenshin to jump in nervous anticipation. He was a jittery mess, wondering if this would be the one that Kaoru would choose. He could only hope against the inevitable.   
  
But wasn't it his fault? Wasn't he responsible for his own pain in this regard? If he had told her, maybe the crush she had had on him would have turned to something bigger, something closer to his own feelings. Unfortunately, should have's don't change the past, he knew, but he could still dream.  
  
Yahiko, gentleman he was, or was pretending to be, went to retrieve their dinner guest, leaving Kenshin with another moment to sulk. I'm not sulking... He pulled in a breath of air, not wanting to admit the truth. He was sulking over something he had done to himself. I can't change the past. And past is exactly what I am to Kaoru. I suppose when she marries I shall have to move out and wander once more. He let out the breath of air slowly, trying to gain some semblence of control.  
  
Takashi followed Yahiko into the house, and Kenshin turned around to see who, exactly, he was up against. Takashi was well dressed, he had money; he was good looking, he would compliment Kaoru. He was also taller. Much taller. This was an especially sore point for Kenshin, who allowed himself some solace in the thought, At least I would be easier for Kaoru to kiss. A slight flush warmed his cheeks at the thought. She would have to stand on her tip-toes with her face pushed up as far as possible to kiss him.   
  
Strangely, he wasn't comforted by the thought as he believed he would be. It simply led to thoughts of the younger man kissing Kaoru. His Kaoru. Calm down, Kenshin. She isn't yours. You're dreaming, buddy.  
  
"Konbanwa, Himura-san!" Kenshin bristled on the inside, but simply nodded and smiled. Luckily for him, he was not known for his conversation skills.   
  
Why do they treat me as though I am her father or brother, the one to please in order to get her hand in marriage? She's all her own woman, I have no say... And yet he did, to some extent. If he felt one of her suitors was courting her for devious reasons, he would make sure the man did not come back. I just scare them. They know she doesn't need my permission, but they would rather not piss me off. Good. Perhaps I'll simply scare him away. The he paused and considered what he was thinking. No. That won't do. I already had my chance.  
Dinner went by quickly, without any of the usual mishaps and breaking dishes. Yahiko had been careful not to call Kaoru any names throughout the entire dinner, possibly consituting the world's greatest miracle of all time, and Sanosuke, who had joined them about halfway through dinner, was now sitting with a fish bone in his mouth, though the dinner had been entirely devoid of fish.  
  
Kenshin had sat quietly, watching Kaoru all through dinner, but being casual about it. Standing, he excused himself from the table, heading to the kitchen to clear away any remaining mess. Sanosuke sauntered in a moment after Kenshin. "Oi, Kenshin. What's up with Takashi? Why's he hitting on your woman?"  
  
Kenshin turned around to regard Sano with amber coloured eyes, and Sano backed down as quickly as he had walked in, raising his hands in surrender. "Alright then, let's talk about something else." Sano began on his latest and greatest gambling debt, speaking of how his buddies had yet again 'stolen' all of his money from him.  
  
Kenshin back around and regarded the kitchen in front of him, trying to decide if there was anything left worth cleaning. Shrugging mentally, he picked up a rag and began to wipe down the countertops again, all the while listening with one ear to Sano's rambling. Sano rarely rambled, it was as though he was looking for a reason not to leave Kenshin in his state, and figured if he could keep talking, he had a reason to stay.  
  
"Sano, if your absence of lucre was something you were truly worried about, then sesha doubts that you would be here talking to sesha about it." Kenshin turned around and gazed at Sano with bright lavender eyes. "Say what you feel you need to and get it over with." Sano gave a half sigh and grinned at Kenshin.  
  
"Why do you let that happen in your own home?" Kenshin smirked at him, in a glance reminding him that Kaoru owned the dojo, not Kenshin, as most would like to think. "What I mean is, why do you just sit and watch it happen?" Sano shook his head at him. "I'd be about ready to bust the guy's... to beat him up." He finished lamely.  
  
"It is not sesha's place to interfere." Kenshin lowered his head, as though in admonishment. "Sesha's wants Kaoru to be happy. And she will be, with someone else. She used to have a crush on sesha, however, those days are over now." Kenshin raised his head again and looked Sano in the eyes. "Sesha will be happy in Kaoru is happy."  
  
"Bull shit." Sano turned and walked out of the room. You don't understand, Sano. Kaoru has made her choice, and it is not me. I cannot force her to love me. It only breeds resentment. Trust me, I know.  
"Kenshin?" Kaoru's voice rang throughout the house, but she received no answer. Confused, she headed to the dojo to see if he was there. She found him, stripped down to his hakama, sakabatou in hand. He was amazing to watch. She found herself staring at him, unable to tear her gaze away from him. He was beautiful. And so fast.  
  
The second that she walked into the dojo, he knew she was there. He felt her ki, specific to her, but didn't show any signs of it. He focused all the anger he had pent up during dinner on his strokes, swinging hard and fast, moving faster than he normally did when he practiced. He heard her take another step forward, felt her come slightly nearer, but didn't stop.  
  
He swung around, bringing his sword up to eye level, pointing it directly at Kaoru, and was surprised when she didn't even blink. Slowly, he dropped his arm down and dropped his sakabatou. I could have... He couldn't even finish the thought. He lowered his face, his bangs falling over his amber eyes.  
  
"Kaoru-dono..." He dropped to his knees, trying to keep his emotions in check, and raised his hands to his face. Bloody, soiled hands. No wonder she does not want sesha. Especially now.   
  
Kaoru was amazed at the scene unfolding before her. Kenshin had never been this way before, even after some of the worst battles. Unhesitantly, she stepped forward, falling to her knees barely inches from him, and wrapped her arms around him. "Kenshin... Doushite?" He seemed, even though he wasn't moving, to be pushing her away. "Onegai, Kenshin, tell me! Onegai..." She brought her hands to his and pulled them away from his face.  
  
Amber eyes regarded her solemnly, his gaze unwavering from her face. "Dounimo. It doesn't matter any longer." She skimmed her fingertips over his cheek, her gaze refusing to let his go. She shook her head at him.  
  
"Iie. That doesn't work, Kenshin. Tell me." Tears were starting to form in her eyes, not only out of the anguish of seeing him in pain, but of the seemingly fruitless effort that she was putting out to get Kenshin to talk.  
  
"No, Kaoru. It's done, or rather, un-done in the past." He seemed to be talking in riddles, and she didn't understand. Then, a few seconds later, she caught it. No honorific.  
  
"Kenshin, tell me. Tell me!" At another shaking of his head, she put her hands on the side of his face, forcing him to stay in place. "Kenshin! Shimatta, tell me!"   
  
"No, Kaoru. I will not." He shook his head one more time, and stood in one fluid motion, pulling Kaoru up with him. "Is there anything else?"  
  
"Kenshin, you're my best friend!" She was surprised when he cringed. "I know when something is wrong with you, and something's been wrong for days? What is the matter?" Her face felt flushed, and she was desperately trying to get some kind of an answer from him.  
  
"Nothing that can be fixed any longer, Kaoru-done. Is there anything else?" The man was insufferable, and finally, Kaoru knew she had to accept defeat.  
  
"Iie." Kaoru hung her head, and listened to his light footsteps as he left the practice hall, quietly sliding the door shut. Why does he do this?  
Walking out of the dojo was one of the hardest things Kenshin had had to do in a long time. The urge just to kiss her and tell her his feelings was so strong, he had almost relented to her pleas, but he knew it would only make things that much harder for her. She had to get married eventually, he knew, and it would be someone as old, or penniless, or... stained.  
  
He knew he had hurt her by not telling her, by just letting her guess and wonder, but he knew it would kill him to be denied. If she turned him down... He didn't need his family mocking him too. He knew what they did when he walked down the streets, pointing and murmuring behind their hands about his sword and that the "samurai's spirit" just hadn't died in him. He knew that little kids would hear about him coming and run to watch him walk down the road.  
  
He didn't feel like giving them another reason. Sighing to himself, knowing what nobody else did, he headed to his room and slid against the wall, preparing to sleep sitting once again. His demons were far too near. 


	2. Kaoru's Plan's Awry

Sometimes, I have to wonder if he realizes how much he truly hurts me every time he walks away from me without giving me even the smallest of answers. I don't need a long, drawn out explanation, though that would be nice. I just want to know why? Why does he act as if he cannot place his trust in me? Why can't he tell me what is on his mind? God knows I tell him my thoughts often enough.  
  
Watching him walk out of the dojo and close the door behind him without even looking back at me, I feel like something dies. All it would take is a small smile, or even the slightest, briefest meeting of eyes for me to know that he doesn't hate me. Is that what is wrong? Does he dislike me so much he can not even look at me?  
  
But that can't be true. I was the only one he came back to say good-bye to. That means something, right? Like Megumi said, he didn't feel the need to say good-bye to anyone but me. Or maybe that's not even the point. Maybe the whole point was that he had promised he would be there. He had to go, he had bound himself. He is a man of his words, we all know that.  
  
That man confuses me more than anyone else I have ever known. Perhaps because no matter how much I try to understand, to understand him and his past and what he wants, there's always so much more. For every memory he tells me of, there are hundreds more that he has that haunt him. I wish I knew.  
  
Is that the reason he stays away? He doesn't want me to know? Is he worried with the same insecurities that I have, worried that if he told me of his past I would think less of him? Perhaps that's it. Is there more to his past that he's told us, than he's told me? He could have thirty kids and seven wives somewhere... but that's not my Kenshin. Perhaps there's more, just not that way. Just more details, more gory details. Is he worried that my 'delicate nature' couldn't take the details of his oh-so violent past?  
  
Shaking myself out of my stupor, the sudden realization hits that it's late, and I need to go to sleep. Yet another ploy Megumi and I set up tonight failed. Miserably. Making my way out of the dojo, I can't help but glance up at the stars, the clear, moonless night revealing more than I feel like I've ever seen before. Without the distraction of the moon, even the tiniest of the stars is noticeable, unlike normal.  
  
And then epiphany hits. Kenshin tells of his more well known experiences, but are we so blind to the smaller details, the smaller happenings in his life because of some part of Kenshin that overshines everything else? What if he really were telling us all we needed to know, but we haven't been listening? I haven't been listening?  
  
My anger with myself tasting bitter in my throat, I know that I have to figure out what it is about Kenshin that causes us to overlook the small things. The man is a distraction in and of himself, figuring out what Kenshin's moon is will be difficult.  
  
The only thing I can do for tonight is sleep on it. I'm too tired to figure anything else out tonight.   
  
*  
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*NEXT MORNING*  
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My grumbling stomach wakes me from the dreamless sleep of the morning, and, unfortunately, it's right. It's time to get up. A sniff in the air reveals why it's grumbling; Kenshin's making breakfast. My stomach seems to have a homing device, and it's quite loud when it wants to be.   
  
Shaking my head at it, I rush through my morning routine, half-hazardly throwing on a kimono, and I run out to our dining area, where Yahiko sits asleep, and strangely, Sano's here at this early hour. Note to self: Ask Sano if he ever sleeps. "Morning Sano-san." At his growl, I add to my previous note. Just not now, he's grumpy.  
  
"Morning, Yahiko-kun." I give him a chance, but, as I figured, he's fast asleep, drooling on my table. "If Yahiko-chan doesn't wake up, he doesn't get breakfast." Instantly, as though I had dumped water on him, his head snapped up, his eyes glaring at me.  
  
"At least I look decent in the morning, busu." Sighing, I just ignore it for the day. Call it the eighth world wonder. Kaoru doesn't go psycho on Yahiko. Amazing. A snowball's chance in hell just got better.  
  
"Good morning, Kaoru-dono." Kenshin walked into the kitchen, a smile fixed on his face like normal. Usually, I'd have contented myself with it, but, looking deeper, his eyes... they just didn't seem to be smiling with him.  
  
I threw on a smile of my own, just as fake as his appeared to be, and answered, "Good morning, Kenshin." For a split second, a look of dejectedness passed over his face before being cleverly covered up.  
  
Setting the food down, Kenshin sat between me and Sano, and we all started eating. Breakfast passed quietly, our neighbors must have wondered if we went out of town. They were used to the yelling and screaming going on over here, so used to it, they knew when we went on vacation based on that.  
  
Sano, after devouring his food, was the first to leave, with Yahiko close on his tail, mumbling something about 'things to do'. As soon as they were gone, I realized that Sano hadn't said a word to me the entire time he had been here this morning. Odd. He hadn't even said good-bye.  
  
"Kenshin?"   
  
"Yes, Kaoru-dono?"  
  
"Does it bother you that I don't call you Kenshin-san?" A look of shock passed over his face at the question.  
  
"I wouldn't expect anyone to call me that. I'm not worthy-"  
  
"Don't give me that 'I'm not worthy' crap. Tell me. Honestly, Kenshin. Give me the truth." His violet eyes betray what he doesn't seem willing to.  
  
"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but sometimes it does." Kenshin lowered his eyes to the table and clasped his hands on his lap.  
  
"What about it don't you like?"  
  
"I... do you think lowly of me, Kaoru-dono?" Suddenly, it's perfectly clear.  
  
"No, Kenshin. San." It's my turn to look at the table, studying the edge of it as though I've never seen it before. "Why... Why would I think poorly of you?"  
  
"Because I'm the only person who's name you say without honorifics constantly. Do you realize, you've never called me by an honorific before now?"  
  
"I've never done so.. because... there's so much distance there, Kenshin...san." Every time I say his name now, I can feel the stab of hurt rush through me. But then, I did ask. Am I willing to tell him everything I feel now? Am I willing to expose myself to him, all in one clean sweep? Would he understand? "I've never wanted that much distance between us." I add, giving him an easy opening to ask about the kind of closeness I want. But then, would I answer? Would I answer when answering could mean I could lose my best friend?  
  
"I never realized." His whispered statement makes me realize something completely new. Kenshin, like I do, tries to figure out things the same way I do. He seems like he's been trying to find answers for what he doesn't understand much the same way I do. "Does it bother you that I call you Kaoru-dono?" Raising my eyes to look at him, and meeting his as he raises his head also, I nod to him.  
  
Kenshin seems almost... confused. A state that doesn't seem completely normal for him. "What would you like me to call you?" His voice seems small, like he's worried about the answer.  
  
"Just Kaoru."  
  
A small smile, a real smile, shows on his face. "Okay then, Just Kaoru, would you like to continue calling me Kenshin? No honorific, no last names, nothing so detached and impersonal."  
  
"Alright, Kenshin, as long as you don't call me 'Just Kaoru' again. Kaoru. Plain, old, boring Kaoru."   
  
Shaking his head at me, his smile fades. "You aren't plain, old or boring at all, Kaoru-do... Kaoru."  
  
"Kenshin, what am I to you?" Now or never, I just have to plunge myself in headfirst, don't I? Can't I occasionally think before I speak? Can't I ever think through my entire thoughts before I blurt it out and make a fool out of myself?   
  
"You're my friend, Kaoru-d.." Catching himself, he smiles bashfully at me. "You're my best friend." Not quite the answer I wanted. I have to wonder if the disappointment shows on my face. "Was that not the answer you wanted, Kaoru-dono?" Apparently it does.  
  
"I didn't want any particular answer. I just wanted the truth." I wonder if he can tell I'm lying through my teeth?  
  
"Did you, now?" Silence descended over us for a few minutes, both of us lost in our own thoughts. "Did you enjoy your evening? Takashi seems to have." At the mention of the man who came to dinner last night, I stiffen in my spot.  
  
"No, Kenshin. I haven't enjoyed time with any of the men who have tried to court me." Sighing, I decide to tell him part of the truth. "I'm not interested in any of them."   
  
"I don't understand... If you aren't interested, why did you invite him for dinner?" You really are clueless sometimes, you know it, Kenshin? Why can't you see I want it to be you?  
  
With the shock registering in his eyes, I realize I just said that aloud. My god, I just said that aloud. I just... I just... Jumping up from the table, knocking over my tea cup in the process, I run for the door, trying to escape him, trying to... trying to escape my own humiliation.  
  
When I reach the door, I realize Kenshin, with his incredible speed, is already there, blocking my exit. "No, you don't, Kaoru." Unfortunately, I can't stop, and I run right into him. His arms come up and hold on to me, keeping me from falling.   
  
"Kenshin, just let me go. Please let me go. I can't.. I don't.."   
  
"No. Explain to me, Kaoru, what you mean by that. Don't lie, don't tell me half truths. Tell me all of it." The only thing I can do is look at him. I can't speak I can't do anything.   
  
Damn it, Kenshin! "I don't want to tell you. Now you're going to leave, I just know it. I can't let you leave. I don't want you to go, you can't go, I just know you're going to though.You're going to leave now, aren't you?" I can't contain my tears, tears that are a product of both my grief and of my anger at myself.  
  
"I'm not going to leave you." His arms drop away from me, releasing me, letting me go if I wanted to. But I don't move. "Now tell me, Kaoru. What do you mean?"  
  
"I'm in love with you, Kenshin. I always have been." I stare at his chest, I can't look into his eyes. I can't see the rejection there. Not yet. "Don't tell me that I'm just a little girl, or that I don't know what love is."   
  
"I wasn't going to." he raises his hands and rests one on my shoulder, and, with the second, cups my cheek in his palm. "I wouldn't tell you that, Kaoru. You're not a little girl anymore."  
  
"Just tell me. Tell me you don't love me, don't care for me the same way that I care for you. But don't lead me on, Kenshin. Don't do that to me. Please don't." I close my eyes and steel myself for the worst, just waiting for that glancing blow to come. The blow that, while it won't take my life, it will take my heart. Do you realize that you could take my heart, break it, shatter it into a million pieces that easily?  
  
Words never come from him, though. I open my eyes just in time to see his face scant inches from mine, and after a moment that seems to last an eternity, his lips press a light kiss to mine, then back away. "I do love you, Kaoru." I can hear him swallow. "I love you, but you need more than I can give, Kaoru. You need so much more." He pulls his face away and starts to move away from me.  
  
"Kenshin, don't. Don't leave." I wrap my arms around him, pulling him back to me. I know that if he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't be. He's so much stronger than I am. "Don't you think that I should choose whether or not you have what I need? Don't you think that should be my choice?"   
  
"I don't have anything to give you, Kaoru, except another mouth to feed."   
  
"I care? I feed Yahiko and Sano, too, and I don't expect anything out of them, do I?" I know I'm hysterical, but I'm past the point of caring. And why should I? Kenshin's seen me at my worst, I don't think the panic etched into my soul is going to even faze him.  
  
But then, maybe I'm wrong. "Don't cry, Kaoru. Oh, God, please don't cry..." I'm crying? I hadn't even realized. But then, I should have, the tears, warm at first, run cold over my chin, and I can taste the salt of one gone astray now. I didn't even notice, am I that far gone?  
  
"Kenshin... I..." I don't even entirely know what to say right now. I know what I want, but I don't know how to put it into words. At least I still know his name. Ah, now the words form in my mind. Taking a deep breath, or the semblence of one, I look into Kenshin's eyes. "I don't need you to take care of me, I don't need to be coddled and pampered, I haven't been for years... why start now? I just need you. Can you give that to me? Can you give me the only thing I desire?"  
Okay... Kenshin's POV next chapter... I've not written in first person for so long... my my my... I hope it worked okay... The inner workings of Kaoru's mind were too scary, so I had to abandon that ship and just imagine what she would be thinking under the circumstances... sorry if I made her depressing... she would be, I would think, under the circumstances.... I mean, if Kenshin were just beyond my grasp... I would be too!!!   
  
Okay, now... Let me know if I should never write 1st person again, or if it was... decent... And any tips would be nice, but just telling me that my character was OOC, well.. it doesn't really help... 9 times out of 10, they're that way for a reason... that's why it's fanfiction, ne? ;) Anyhow, tips, like you should have done this differently or you overwrote this part... yeah, that helps... grinning at anyone who is still reading  
  
Anyway... I'll probably have another chapter up soon.. but if I don't have it up by the 6th, it'll be quite a while before I post anything again.. I'm going to be away from the computer for two months... so I won't be able to update anything till june... sorry...  
Love to all...  
Alys 


	3. A Look Into Kenshin's Mind

Kaoru really doesn't realize how she affects me. I've thought it all through, and this is the only logical answer I can come up with. And if she does know... well then... It's hard to continue my thoughts with her looking up at me, her impossibly clear eyes staring into mine, they seem to promise things that should never happen, but that my heart desires more than anything else. The tears welling around them just make them all the brighter.  
  
"Kaoru, neither of us have had time to think this through and-" I stop myself. Stupid, Kenshin, very stupid. I stand around very well moony eyed over her half the time, and when she finally does offer herself, I tell her she needs to rethink it? Am I blind? Or just dumb? Maybe both. "How much thought have you given this already, Kaoru, or is it just some whim?"   
  
I can almost read her answer in her eyes; 'are you stupid? I just confessed my love to you, and you think I haven't thought this over?' I can already hear her. "Do you really think that I haven't thought about all this, Kenshin? Do you really think that I would tell you I love you if I didn't mean it, if I hadn't thought it through and pondered everything? I'm not as selfish as some would like to believe I am, Kenshin, I know how this affects you." Was that a stab at me? I'm not entirely sure who she was referring to.   
  
"I know that as soon as someone finds out that we're together, they'll assume we were all along. And then you'll get bothered about marrying me." A shake of her head, a quick, fluttering blink of the eyes. "I don't want you bothered with that. You don't need to worry about what everyone thinks. And not only that, I know how our friends would react. But it doesn't matter, in the end, Kenshin." Sighing, she suddenly stops, and I wonder what else she was going to say, but didn't.  
  
"Kaoru, I don't care. I don't care what they all say, what they will say. I never have. If I did, if I cared, I would have been sadly disappointed years ago." All I can do is shrug and watch her face. I wish I could say something to make it all go away, to make it all better for her. But I know I can't. I know that I should back away right now, let her go, and move on, leave everything here behind.  
  
Could I do that, even if I tried my hardest? I think if I had the strength to leave, I would have done it before. If I could have left her, I would have. But I can't. I can't leave her. A sudden epiphany hits me. She's my world. My world, for so long, was my sword. But my sword has merely become an instrument in protection of my world, my light.  
  
So lost in thought, I didn't realize the hand that she had snuck behind my head, pulling my face towards hers. "Kaoru..." I can only whisper her name before my lips land on hers, and, after giving her another light kiss, I have to pull away. A shaky breath escapes me, almost shuddering.   
  
I can feel my lips quirk in a way that must only be a smile. "You make me feel like a teenager." But all too quickly, we both realize the same thing. I never really was a teenager. I never had the time to be.  
  
"Kenshin." Ignoring all my gut feelings, all the instincts that are telling me to let her go and leave, I press my lips to hers again, and, pulling open her mouth with my thumb on her chin, I deepen the kiss, amaze filling me at not only the feel of her, but also of the taste. She tastes so sweet, so fresh. And a little like the tea we had with breakfast.   
  
I know I'm reacting to her in a primitive male way, and I can feel urgency running through me, but I know I have to ignore it, to pull away. I have to tell her to give her some kind of... some kind of assurance that I'm not going to leave... that I've decided to stay, to be with her...  
  
A low moan escapes her, and I can feel her pressing against my body in a way that could be my very undoing. I have to chuckle, though, when her hand makes it's way into my gi, pressing against my chest, but my chuckle stops short as she caresses me, as though I'm the gentlest of things, ever so soft.  
  
A sharp arrow of awareness shoots through me, and I have to remind myself to back away from her. This could go too far all too quickly. And if I don't stop it now, I know I won't. I wouldn't be able to, and what shocks me, is I wouldn't want to. It's hard to believe that this is such a revelation for me, I've thought this through so much, how could I have missed it before?  
  
Kaoru's low, suductive moan pulls me back to reality, and I realize that I have to stop, now, I have to before I lose control of myself. Before I...  
  
"Kaoru. I..." The sudden rush of cold air against my skin surprises me, and I have to wonder when she got my gi off of me. When she had time to. Why.. How can this happen? I spend so much time trying to keep her a safe distance away from me, and then, in a moment of weakness, she manages to partially undress me.   
  
Looking down at her, her eyes are on my face, watching me even as I do the same to her, and, rather than the confidence that I expected, I see something else. Something that makes me rethink rejecting her. Vulnerability. She really thinks I might not want her? Can't she tell, when the proof is right against her? Perhaps.. just perhaps... Perhaps I should simply stop thinking... 


End file.
